Ramblings of a lust-induced mind

I haven't updated in yonks, and this doesn't really count but I got bored.

I watched V for Vendetta the other day...besides being a totally awesome movie, I was rather amused to notice how similar my taste in movies, books and music is to V. I mean, I love Ella Fitzgerald, thought the book version of the Count of Monte Christo was much better than the movie...the more recent one... I guess you could say I'm old-fashioned. Which strangely enough I'd never considered myself as before.

Maybe cause I like computers and the internet and am not a huge technophobe it means that I'm modern... despite my classical leanings in other areas. Because most people my age watch ballet >.> Come to think of it I don't even own a mobile phone...because I don't want one. It's not like I'm restricted to older styles of music though...or books, or movies...I enjoy rock and punk and science fiction...the newer ones as well as the old.

Y'know I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. No more late night random rantings.

So, I'm 22 now...yay? I had to work. And it sucked. So err...yeah.

Today is just one of those days where I feel like curling up into a ball and crying. Just fucking balling my eyes out.

I'm just so horribly sick of everything. I don't think I could take even one more person being angry and/or disappointed with me.

I'm tired because I had to stay up last night because I had an argument with a friend who is apparently disgusted with me because I'm OMG!Notavirgin... Like that's some big fucking issue that deeply reflects my personality....whatever.

Mums pissed off with me because Dads said she cant stay at their house while we're in Newcastle because my aunty and her family will be staying there...and also because he isn't entirely comfortable with his ex-wife staying in his house. So mum has to stay at her sisters house, who isn't coming for no apparent reason other than they just couldn't give a shit and so she has no lift. And I've offered to give her some money for a cab but thats not good enough either and why am I always stuck as the fucking go between? Because I really love trying to defend one to the other all the time.

In other news, my brother is moved out and living with his dad because he punched mum in the nose...and my sister is moving in, which is going to be fun....because she's 16, full of attitude and we've never really gotten along. Blah, it probably wont be that bad but....it just all feels like such a horrid mess.

I just really don't want to deal with anybody at all right now, but of course I have things to do, commitments to keep up and heaven forbid I have any time to myself to just try and soak it all in a little.

It's like I can't even let anyone know i'm upset because they'd just be more disappointed in me.

Well, I don't think anyone will participate but eh, what the hell.



1) Hit shuffle, pick the first 25.
2) Take a line from each song and post them.
3) Have your friends page try to guess them, without searching for lyrics.
4) As you guess, I'll strikeout.

1 - Walking down the street with some evil in my eye

2 - You can plan on me

3 - And you've got your manipulations, they cut me down to size.

4 - We'll walk through the darkness

5 - Wake up you sleepy head

6 - Some others I've seen, might never be mean

7 - Some people don't know

8 - When all the world is a hopeless jumble and the raindrops tumble all around

9 - Summer's here and the time is right - lexaplexa

10 - It only leads to trouble and seat wetting

11 - How fast the minutes fly away, and every minute colder - lexaplexa

12 - See me ride out of the sunset

13 - I didn't know I was hurting you so

14 - I check my dipstick; you need lubrication honey

15 - LIke a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door

16 - Just to have somwhere to go to

17 - But everything we do, it's never in vain - serpentpixie

18 - Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight

19 - And all her wishes have finally come true

20 - Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife - lexaplexa

21 - Memories I will never find

Wow, my life is going completely nutso.

It all started on Mums birthday when her car broke down. Not just broke down, but died completely and irrevocably. So she scrapped it for $450. That was ok, the car was on its way out anyway, and I was purchasing a car from a work colleague anyway. So now I drive to work with mum in the car and she drives home so she can use it during the day. Most nights I can get a lift home, and if I cant she picks me up and I drive home. It works.

But then, the next week, our brand new fishtank decided to suddenly get a crack in it and completely flood our loungeroom. Luckily, we did save the fish and the insurance covered getting the carpet cleaned and dried but it was still a real pain in the arse to wake up to on a Saturday morning.

In the meantime I've been rearranging my room, buying curtains and bedspreads and moving everything around and it's looking quite pretty. Then my computer dies. At first it just flickers, but soon it refuses to even boot up. I had an idea that my video card had died (and I was completely right about it) so I took it to the tech to check and I need a new one which doesn't arrive till the 17th. No WoW for me for a while. Meanwhile, in an attempt to fix it I completely wipe everything that was on there and reinstall windows from scratch. Luckily I was able to save all my music and pictures onto my mp3 player, but everything else is now bye bye. I hate that.

Then, one day I woke up and my internet connection had decided for no apparent reason that it didn't want to connect. So I spent 4 hours on the phone with my ISP trying different things to work out why. There has been some suspicious looking dude playing with the phone lines at the end of the street.... At any rate, nothing was fixed. I have a spare modem so I plugged it in and it works, but only sometimes. Not sure if this is a problem with my computer or the line but it's most annoying.

Anyway, after getting my internet back, Mum and I decided to go for a drive and get some movies and alcohol and relax for a bit. Good plan huh? When we got back the washing machine had flooded. Luckily it hadn't flooded enough to go into the bedrooms - it stayed on the tiles and was easier to fix. We had a look in th e washing machine, pulled out a pencil from the bottom and figured that had fixed it. Wrong. Next morning when we used the washing machine again it flooded again. So mum picked up the washing machine and laid it on its side and I had a look to see where it was flooding from...a tube had pulled loose, so it was easy to fix. Just a pain in the arse to clean up again.

Oh, and somewhere along the line the vacuum cleaner decided to not work as well.

All this is happening and somehow we're laughing about it. Maybe it's just that if you don't laugh you'll cry. It does make me wonder why this is all happening. My theory is, in the words of Kestrel : There is a god, and he hates me.

Still, could be worse.


~Rae

Guess I have a lot of reading to catch up on...


Anon., Beowulf
Achebe, Chinua Things Fall Apart
Agee, James A Death in the Family
Austen, Jane Pride and Prejudice
Baldwin, James Go Tell It on the Mountain
Beckett, Samuel Waiting for Godot
Bellow, Saul The Adventures of Augie March
Brontë, Charlotte Jane Eyre
Brontë, Emily Wuthering Heights
Camus, Albert The Stranger
Cather, Willa Death Comes for the Archbishop
Chaucer, Geoffrey The Canterbury Tales
Chekhov, Anton The Cherry Orchard
Chopin, Kate The Awakening
Conrad, Joseph Heart of Darkness
Cooper, James Fenimore The Last of the Mohicans
Crane, Stephen The Red Badge of Courage
Dante, Inferno
de Cervantes, Miguel Don Quixote
Defoe, Daniel Robinson Crusoe
Dickens, Charles A Tale of Two Cities
Dostoyevsky, Fyodor Crime and Punishment
Douglass, Frederick Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
Dreiser, Theodore An American Tragedy
Dumas, Alexandre The Three Musketeers
Eliot, George The Mill on the Floss
Ellison, Ralph Invisible Man
Emerson, Ralph Waldo Selected Essays
Faulkner, William As I Lay Dying
Faulkner, William The Sound and the Fury
Fielding, Henry Tom Jones
Fitzgerald, F. Scott The Great Gatsby
Flaubert, Gustave Madame Bovary
Ford, Ford Madox The Good Soldier
Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von Faust
Golding, William Lord of the Flies
Hardy, Thomas Tess of the d'Urbervilles
Hawthorne, Nathaniel The Scarlet Letter
Heller, Joseph Catch 22
Hemingway, Ernest A Farewell to Arms
Homer The Iliad
Homer The Odyssey
Hugo, Victor The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Hurston, Zora Neale Their Eyes Were Watching God
Huxley, Aldous Brave New World
Ibsen, Henrik A Doll's House
James, Henry The Portrait of a Lady
James, Henry The Turn of the Screw
Joyce, James A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Kafka, Franz The Metamorphosis
Kingston, Maxine Hong The Woman Warrior
Lee, Harper To Kill a Mockingbird
Lewis, Sinclair Babbitt
London, Jack The Call of the Wild
Mann, Thomas The Magic Mountain
Marquez, Gabriel García One Hundred Years of Solitude
Melville, Herman Bartleby the Scrivener
Melville, Herman Moby Dick
Miller, Arthur The Crucible
Morrison, Toni Beloved
O'Connor, Flannery A Good Man is Hard to Find
O'Neill, Eugene Long Day's Journey into Night
Orwell, George Animal Farm
Pasternak, Boris Doctor Zhivago
Plath, Sylvia The Bell Jar
Poe, Edgar Allan Selected Tales
Proust, Marcel Swann's Way
Pynchon, Thomas The Crying of Lot 49
Remarque, Erich Maria All Quiet on the Western Front
Rostand, Edmond Cyrano de Bergerac
Roth, Henry Call It Sleep
Salinger, J.D. The Catcher in the Rye
Shakespeare, William Hamlet
Shakespeare, William Macbeth
Shakespeare, William A Midsummer Night's Dream
Shakespeare, William Romeo and Juliet
Shaw, George Bernard Pygmalion
Shelley, Mary Frankenstein
Silko, Leslie Marmon Ceremony
Solzhenitsyn, Alexander One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
Sophocles Antigone
Sophocles Oedipus Rex
Steinbeck, John The Grapes of Wrath
Stevenson, Robert Louis Treasure Island
Stowe, Harriet Beecher Uncle Tom's Cabin
Swift, Jonathan Gulliver's Travels
Thackeray, William Vanity Fair
Thoreau, Henry David Walden
Tolstoy, Leo War and Peace
Turgenev, Ivan Fathers and Sons
Twain, Mark The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Voltaire Candide
Vonnegut, Kurt Jr. Slaughterhouse-Five
Walker, Alice The Color Purple
Wharton, Edith The House of Mirth
Welty, Eudora Collected Stories
Whitman, Walt Leaves of Grass
Wilde, Oscar The Picture of Dorian Gray
Williams, Tennessee The Glass Menagerie
Woolf, Virginia To the Lighthouse
Wright, Richard Native Son

I meant to post straight after christmas, to try and sort out in my head how I felt about it all. But I got caught up in fami,ly and work and laziness and so didnt. I will now though, finally, before I forget.

Christmas day started with me actually being the first one to wake up, at 6am. Then mum woke up as well and we actually had to wake the kids up. I found that incredibly weird, but ok. We all opened our presents...well the kids opened theirs and I opened my Firefly Dvd which I wrapped up for myself. I think mum got a little jealous that the kids seemed to love the presents I got them more than her presents. Oh well.:P

We were late to get to my aunties house where the christmas party thing was being held, partly because we were running late when we left and partly because I got us all horribly lost. But we did get there eventually. At first it was ok, I actually did get presents from all my aunties and uncles and grandparents (and my mp3 player from my dad arrived the other day and I love it sooo much) so that was cool. All the kids seemed to be getting on well, playing my cousins' itoy, having a ball. We ate and chatted and it was a little awkward, but not too bad and we all seemed to get on ok. Then the afternoon came and the kids, especially my brother (who has ADHD and Aspergers) got tired and cranky and started to muck up a little. It was raining and he refused to come inside....that was the start of it. Then my olderish brother decided to be a smart arse and start the car when mum asked him not to...that was a little embarassing. Then my youngest brother got into a fight with my cousins over the hammock and ended up kicking my sister in the nose...on purpose. Then he called my Dad an arsehole.... it was really uncomfortable after that, and mum took the kids home and I had to stay. So I was feeling bad already, then I was sitting on a beanbag not really doing anything and I overheard my stepmother commenting to my aunties about how plain my youngest sister is. I was so horribly pissed off, I couldn't believe she said that because she was perfectly good the whole time she was there, played nicely...she's not even an ugly kid she just happens to be missing her two front teeth and have a bad haircut atm. I thought it was just such an unnecessary, and bitchy thing to say...I was so grateful to my fave aunty Kerry for sticking up for her... It really hurt though and I felt completely miserable.

I had to leave the room and just lay in bed for about an hour, crying...some Christmas huh? It kind of ruined it for me actually... Because I don't fit in with my own family, not at all. They're *all* stunningly gorgeous people with great bodies, and they're all rich and blah blah blah. They're all so shallow. Except Kerry, she was the only one who even noticed when I wasn't having a good time and talked to me... It made me not even want to have a birthday party anymore...because they'll all be there and bleh. Who wants that?

So anyway that was my christmas...

Christmas is only a few short hours away...and I'm nervous. This year will be the first year I'll spend with both parents since I was 9 months old. I'm worried that it's not going to all go smoothly or something. I want everything to just be perfect, that they'll all like her and that my brothers and sisters on mums side will behave themselves and yeah. I don't want to be embarassed or have a bad christmas. I am excited though, and looking forward to it. And it's not normal for your brother and sister to think each other is hot right? Even if they're not related to each other...

I've also spent a ridiculous amount of money on presents this year and have none to open tommorow. Well I tell a lie, there is the firefox dvd I bought for myself, but I don't think it really counts. I am getting presents, I've just already installed the RAM and the iriver won't arrive for afew days. Bah. Gift of giving right? Still none of my grandparents or uncles and aunties have bought me anything cause I'm too old. And they all forgot my birthday last year. I feel so excluded from my family sometimes. Especially since I was kicked out... Like I'm the black sheep because I'm fat and weird and geeky and they don't get me. I mean ok, I don't see most of them often cause they live far away and I know they love me and stuff but I always feel the need to prove not only myself to them but my mum and siblings and everything up here.

Blah upon it all. All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well. Damnit. :P

Did the colour quiz again to see how I was feeling today.

Rae took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a way of escape from all that oppresses her ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Fairly accurate I feel.... Now to bed!

I am sitting here in my shiny new computer chair, feeling completely at ease and content. Overall I'd say I've had a good week this week. Went to see King Kong Wednesday night, and fell in love with both Adrien Brody and a giant ape. -_- It was really good though, I thoroughly enjoyed it. And thursday night work shouted us to go see Rumour Has It, which was really funny. And we got free stuff and free food and alcohol. And we were the first in the world to see it. God I love my job. Have been drawing a little bit lately, which is good. Need to practise more though. Thinking I should probably write something one of these days but I'm just so busy I never seem to get time/inspiration. Such is life. Randomly, I have a lightning scar. Sure it's on my finger not my forehead, but still. Cool huh? :p And Adrien Brody would make the perfect Snape *adores his nose*


P.S Phone companies are the devil.

~Rae

I had what was undoubtedly a thoroughly enjoyable day. I'm in a rather brilliant mood, and I love it ^^

Work was fun, most of it we sat around talking and laughing and well...that's always fun. We did a bit of roleplaying on the phones, testing each others newly learnt skills and the like. I displayed my geekiness when it was my turn as a customer - I was given the name Christine to use. Well, being the huge phan that I am, I decided to make her last name Daae. All well and good. Then I had to make up a partners name for her. I thought Raoul was a little too weird and complex so I said Ray, with a last name of Chagny, drooping the de. Unfortunately, I didn't think how that sounded...so I was staring ahead, in the direction of a colleague and said what sounded like "Shag me." Naturally he cracked up, which made me realize what I'd said and cracked up as well, and pretty soon everyone in the room was laughing, with me trying to control myself and spell it out to the poor girl on the other end of the phone. T'was much fun. ^_^

After work I went shopping and bought a couple of new tops and a new bra strap so that I can wear my halter neck bra on Saturday night and wear my fancy dress to the work Christmas party. Should be fun.

And of course I went to see Goblet of Fire, since it's finally come out. I actually really enjoyed it. Although the beginning was a little disconcerting...they left out so much and chopped and changed everywhere it was difficult to follow the storyline a little. Well, conceivably would have been if I hadn't already known it. There were a few other things about the movie that bugged me as well - the new Dumbledore for one...don't recall him being so damned angry in the book...what happened to the twinkle in the eye? Le sigh. And whats with the american accent? Are there no other old english actors?! The totally unsubtle foreshadowing of the Barty/Moody storyline...it really didn't need to be so obvoius. And that little tongue thing he did really bugged me too. And Fleur wasn't nearly pretty enough for my liking. *is picky*

Other things I really loved though, and overall it was a good experience. Fred and George were perfectly amusing as always, as was Ron..."I just like it when they walk." - Had me in stitches. =P
Snape hitting the students over the head when they were supposed to be studying - so awesome. *loves Snape* Harry spitting on himself when Cho smiled at him. There were so many awesome moments.
And am I the only one who thought baby!voldemort was cute?! I mean I know it was meant to be ugly and urgh and stuff....but I thought it was adorable. Am I sick? :P Oh and I so want one of those miniature dragons for christmas! They were awesome!
Voldemort was great....he looked like he was supposed to look, and was still somehow sexy....*boggles* Ralph Fiennes cannot, apparently, be uglified. Actually, seeing him made me really want them to do a remake of the Phantom of the opera movie - actually following the description of his face and removing his nose. It can be done, *and* sexily. ^^

That is all that I can think of right now....oh and theres a pretty awesome storm outside too! *loves storms* T'is late so I shall retire.

~Rae

Wow. Just wow. Watched the season finale for season one tonight, was sooo sad. I cried. The angst! I'm turning into such a girly cry baby, it's really pathetic. I'm going to buy the whole season on dvd as soon as it comes out next week, cause mums missed the past couple of episodes. I know she'll be grateful. And prolly cry to. I'm aware that House/Cameron isn't overly popular online, but I'm a huge fan. The ANGST, especially with Stacy thrown in. Can't wait till next year, think I'm gonna have to dl some episodes. Of House, and Hex, and Firefly and well....yeah, you get the picture. Thats all for now.

Rae

So I've been planning my birthday party with Dad and Michelle, and decided what I want for my birthday party. Still rather annoyed that my Aunty is planning to get married the day after my birthday, but what can you do? I'm just going to have it the week before. And it's all worked out, we're going to hire a cruise boat on the Harbour, exclusively for us and cruise around during dinner. And it shall be a masquerade themed party, so everyone has to be in fancy dress and....it's going to be such fun! I'm getting all excited thinking about it....I cant wait to design my costume and mask and everything. It'll be nice to have an excuse to dress all girly.

Squee! =D

I have an idea for a Harry Potter fan-fiction I really want to write. It centres around Severus Snape in his days at Hogwarts as a student, and his feelings for Lily Evans, how he became to be a Death-Eater and why he turned back. I'll do my best to keep it as canonical as possible, though the events will be my own theories as to what could have happened. I don't know whether to go with the unrequited love angle, or let them have some sort of ilicit relationship. I'll see how it goes anyway. There will certainly be lots and lots of angst and so forth. I'm thinking he will be a bitter, reclusive teenage boy. And perhaps he'll seriously consider making a love potion...but I dont think he'd actually give it to her. I think he has some morals.

If you've heard the song "Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung, that was my source of inspiration for wanting to write this. And if you havent heard it I strongly suggest you go and download it right now. Because it is a beautiful song.

Thats all for now.

Your Existing Situation
Easily affected by her environment and readily moved by the emotions of others. Seeks congenial relationships and an occupation which will promote them.

Your Stress Sources
Sensitive, and susceptible to gentleness and delicacy of feeling, with a desire to blend into some sort of mystic fusion of erotic harmony. However, this desire remains unsatisfied due to the lack of a suitable partner or adverse conditions, and she keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she needs to know precisely where she stands. Is fastidious, esthetic, and has a cultured taste which allows her to form and express her own taste and judgment, especially in the fields of art and artistic creativity. Strives to ally with others who can assist her in her intellectual or artistic growth.

Your Restrained Characteristics
The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Your Desired Objective
Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.

Your Actual Problem
Wants to act freely and uninhibitedly, but is restrained by her need to have things on a rational, consistent, and clearly-defined basis.

Your Actual Problem #2
Takes a delight in action and wants to be respected and esteemed for her personal accomplishments.




It's kind of funny how eerily accurate this is.

I had a dream about a boy I thought I was over last night. I guess I'm not as over him as I thought I was. I havent even seen him for nearly two years, it's not normal to still have these kinds of feelings. Then again, when was I ever normal?

I find myself wondering, what did I do wrong? I know there were moments that he was attracted to me, I'm not imagining it. And he certainly seemed to enjoy my company, if only as a friend. I think the fact that I'm not the best looking girl in the world made him hesitate. It would make anyone hesitate if truth be known. I'm ugly. I have this sick certainty that if I had been pretty, things would have worked out differently.

Why doesn't that make me hate him for being shallow? Why do I have to be cursed with understanding his point of view, relating to him, and being unable to condemn him for it? This is horrible. I'm going to go and watch some random movie and try and get him off my mind again.

I suppose I ought to write something here. I've had this journal for a little while now, just been using it to browse livejournal and see whats out there. There are a lot of things I am interested in, and from reading other peoples journals and checking out communities and so forth, I think I want in. Looks like fun. Something to kill that nasty boredom thing anyway. So yeah, Look out LJ here I come!